


Broken, Fixed, Broken

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bisexual Yamaguchi Tadashi, But also kinda canon compliant, Coming Out, Demisexuality, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Good ol slow burn, It’s only teen & up bc swearing, I’ll add more tags later I’m tired, Light Angst, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Questioning, Questioning Sexuality, Slow Build, Some self hatred, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, i don’t know what else to tag this, it’s a fanfic what’d’ya expect, no beta we die like men, tsukishima likes to draw dinosaurs, tw: a very small mention of drugs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-16 16:42:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28709880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: For the past two years, Tsukishima thought he was aroace (aromantic asexual), but one day, he realizes that may not be completely true when a simple conversation with his best friend flips his life on its head.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Haiba Lev/Yaku Morisuke, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi, Yachi Hitoka/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 3
Kudos: 40





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is my first time writing a fanfic so I hope you like it! I also wrote this on my phone, so if there’s any typos, that’s probably why. It’s also 3am here so that could also be the reason...  
> Anyway, enjoy!!

For as long as he could remember, Tsukishima had been fully devoid of romantic or sexual feelings. He had thought that the love in movies was stupid and over exaggerated, dramatized for the silver screen. Eventually, Tsukishima started to think something was wrong with him. In middle school the boys were asking out the girls, and suddenly crushes and love triangles were the prime gossip circulating the popular groups around him. The other boys would ask if he liked anyone, and girls would giggle at him and blush whenever he talked to them. Tsukishima would try to tell them that he didn’t like anyone, he really didn’t, but the other kids only saw this as an invitation to pry further into his private life, even going so far as to try and steal his journal only to find it full of doodles of historically accurate dinosaurs. This wore on Tsukki, and he decided to turn to his old friend- google- to figure out why everyone was acting so odd. This was a pivotal moment for him, when he googled this, because he learned about what he would later identify as for two years, aromantic asexual. Everything finally seemed to fit together perfectly, it all made sense; why he’d randomly pick a girl to be his crush for the month and why the idea of any kind of significant other was grey and drab. Finally, Tsukishima had a place in the world and a part of him had been excavated, like old dinosaur bones finally being discovered after a millennia. 

This was how it went for two years. He came out to Yamaguchi, who gladly accepted him, gushing about how glad he was that he now felt confortable coming out to Tsukki as bisexual as well. They would hang around practicing volleyball and making fun of their peers, how some of them seemed so oblivious to the rest of the world. Tsukishima also got better at drawing, specifically hyper-realistic dinosaur doodles in the margins of his notebooks. When they joined the volleyball team together they made a pact to come out to everyone at the same time so they would have support if the others weren’t accepting. When they came out, it spawned a flurry of flustered chaos where Nishinoya was hugging Yamaguchi and coming out as also bi, and Daichi and Suga were suddenly kissing, and Ennoshita was exasperatedly explaining sexuality to Kageyama and Hinata. 

He didn’t show it much, but Tsukishima was having a lot of fun at Karasuno. He had a family at the volleyball club where he could be himself and make fun of Hinata. He was thankful that Yamaguchi had dragged him here, it was shaping up to be a pretty good time.

But sadly, as Tsukki knew all too well, good things never last and all of a sudden Tsukishima’s life was flipped upside down.


	2. Chapter II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team gets exciting news that they’re going to a training camp in Tokyo, and Tsukishima has a surprising thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again! I hope this chapter’s better than the last one, I’m not totally sure if the end is very good but I was tired of writing and wanted to end it but I also wanted to post a new chapter today so 🤷  
> Thanks for reading, please enjoy!

As soon as Tsukishima and Yamaguchi walked into the gym, they knew they were dead meat. Daichi was lecturing Hinata and Kageyama about something they did (again) and Tsukki could tell that this probably meant even more work than usual. “What’d they do this time, Daichi?” He asked loudly . Daichi just glanced up at him, “Nothing concerning you two.” Then turned back to Hinata and Kageyama to continue lecturing them, pointing to himself and the club room. Tsukishima wandered over to the net with Yamaguchi, talking about a new documentary on the Cretaceous period that had been on last night, when suddenly the doors slammed open and onto the floor flopped an ecstatic Professor Takeda.

“Takeda Sensei! Are you ok?” Coach Ukai grabbed his hand, lifting him to his feet. “We’re going, right?” Takeda asked, adjusting his glasses. “Going where?!” Hinata yelped, “Hey! Your nose is bleeding!!” Kageyama added on, with such fervor that he almost knocked Tanaka over pointing at Takeda’s bloody nose. Daichi glared him down and made some kind of hand sign, obviously Kageyama’s excitement had been a part of the earlier issue. 

“To Tokyo!” Takeda jumped a little with ecstasy, dramatically unfurling the piece of crumpled paper he had been holding in his hand. Hinata seemed frozen in place for a second, before asking, “Tokyo? So that means… Nekoma?” His face slowly widened into a grin and Tsukishima felt an oncoming sense of doom. If the prospect of Nekoma was exciting to Hinata, there was no doubt to Tsukishima that he wouldn’t be such a big fan. 

“Yeah!” Takeda continued, “but it won’t be just Nekoma this time.” 

“The Fukurodani Academy Group. It’s a group of schools from the Kanto region that includes Nekoma. Apparently, they hold practice matches all the time.” Hinata and Kageyama looked on gleefully, hanging on to Takeda’s every word. “This time, because of Coach Nekomata, Karasuno will also be able to participate in their practice matches.” Tanaka and Nishnoya also looked flustered with excitement as Ukai added, “Groups like that are created through relationships built up over the years, so it’s not easy to get in without any connections.” As Takeda and Ukai continued to explain together what the training camp was going to be, Tsukishima considered this. He liked volleyball, it wasn’t his favorite thing, but it was a good activity to work out, and if he joined the volleyball team he wouldn’t be socially ostracized for not being part of a club. Tsukki hadn’t really joined the team because he loved volleyball or actively wanted to compete, it was just filler for the rest of the day. So a camp? A week of constant volleyball training with complete strangers? That sounded like some kind of hell to Tsukishima. An ominous feeling started to collect in his head like storm clouds growing heavy with precipitation, and he felt like he might explode.  _ Deep breath _ , he thought, remembering what Akiteru used to do before big games. At least, when he actually played big games. Remembering his brother’s betrayal made the feelings of spite and broken heartedness arise, making him feel sick and giving him a headache.  _ I need to sit down _ , Tsukishima decided, slowly walking towards the bench like an old man at a park.  _ Goddamnit I must look so stupid right now.  _ Tsukishima glared at the floor, trying to keep his composure and make sure he still looked stoic and cool. He didn’t notice Yamaguchi sitting next to him until he poked him, a worried look on his face. “Tsukki, are you ok? You look sick. Are you gonna throw up?” Tsukishima shook his head silently, clenching his jaw. He wished he was anywhere else but here, like at home listening to music and drawing more dinosaurs. Yamaguchi obviously didn’t notice this however, or he did but didn’t acknowledge it, and instead handed him his water bottle. “Well my mom says you should drink water if you feel nauseous.” He glanced at the rest of the group, then added in a quieter tone, “if you feel super sick I’ll go to the nurse with you.” Tsukishima shook his head again and Yamaguchi nodded, walking back to the group. Tsukishima watched him walk away, half annoyed that someone had bothered him yet also half grateful that someone cared enough to do so.  _ He’s kinda cute _ , Tsukishima thought to himself.

Wait. What.

What was that.


	3. The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishima gets a horrifying sock that will probably haunt his dreams from Akiteru, and him and Yamaguchi ride the bus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI there was something I was going to say about this chapter but I can’t remember what it was
> 
> Oh yes ADHD TIMESKIP  
> by that I mean I time skipped ahead bc it was getting too boring writing the stuff leading up to the trip
> 
> Sorry the last chapter was real bad, hopefully this one is much better! Enjoy!

Tsukishima sat down next to Yamaguchi on the bus to the camp. Yamaguchi looked up at him and smiled. “Isn’t this exciting? I’m so excited. This is gonna be great. Wow. I can’t believe we’re gonna play against real schools! Well, not like we aren’t a real school, but you know what I mean, y’know? Anyway, I was thinking and I decided that I would bring two toothbrushes, y’know, just in case something happens-” As Yamaguchi rambled on about the training camp, Tsukki thought back to a couple of days ago when he was packing for the trip. 

“Hey, Kei, are you sure you don’t wanna bring along Mr. Tickles? He might help being away from the house…” Tsukishima’s mom trailed off, petting the stuffed dinosaur on his desk. Tsukki looked up exasperatedly from his bag, “Mom, I’ve been away from home before, and I haven’t slept with a stuffed animal in years. I’m not bringing Mr. Tickles with me. I have a reputation to keep.” His mom sighed longingly, “I just miss when you were so little and carried that thing around everywhere, you boys and your reputations…” She turned to walk out the door and almost got knocked over by Akiteru. “Sorry mom! Kei, I have something for you!” Akiteru threw the something at him, and whatever it was hit him in the face, giving him a nice whiff of old foot. Slowly peeling the thing off of him, Tsukishima discovered it to be an old, sweaty, probably-unwashed-since-the-dawn-of-time sport sock. “...Why.” Tsukki asked, glaring at Akiteru with the exhaustion of a new preschool teacher. “It’s one of the socks I used to wear playing volleyball. Won every game I wore it. I thought it’d be a good luck charm.”

Ok, sweet, but also Akiteru hadn’t played and won in a volleyball game since he was in middle school, and this sock had definitely never been washed. Tsukki was simultaneously disgusted and touched. Akiteru shrugged and turned back out the door, leaving Tsukki and the old sock in an uncomfortable silence. 

Tsukishima was brought back to reality by Yamaguchi, who was staring at him. “Are you ok? You looked like you were thinking of something awful. It wasn’t anything I said, right?” Tsukishima grunted a little, “No. I was just remembering something. You were talking about what you packed?” He desperately wanted to change the conversation so that he wouldn’t have to think about the so-dirty-it-was-probably-alive sock in a ziploc in his bag. Every second that passed was one in which he regretted the choice to bring it along. “Oh, yeah! So, anyway, I also brought some stain remover just in case. Unless I left it at home? Oh god did I forget it? No. Yes? Well, I guess I didn’t need to bring it. But what if I accidentally brought my mom’s really nice scarf with me and it gets grass stains?? Oh my god she's going to kill me. I’m dead. Tsukki, please remember me when I’m gone. If I’m found dead it was either my mother or that one barista named Ito who seems to have a personal vendetta against me. What do I do to him? Oh god, what did I do to him??” Yamaguchi stared at his knee, looking like he was having an existential crisis. “Shut up Yamaguchi.” Tsukishima sighed. “Sorry, Tsukki.” 

“Do you want to see a really embarrassing picture of Tanaka?” Tsukishima asked Yamaguchi, taking out his phone. “Yes, definitely. Oh, I have a really horrible one of Hinata that looks like he’s a really old guy,” They snickered quietly over the increasingly dubious photos of their teammates.  _ I wish I could be around Yamaguchi all the time.  _ Tsukishima paused for a second, staring at but not fully processing a picture of Suga inhaling a comically large burger. What just happened? What was that thought? Why did it feel so weird to think it? For now, Tsukishima brushed it off, focusing instead on another slightly blurry picture of Nishinoya falling off a merry-go-round. Those thoughts would have to wait until later.


	4. Man, sleeping can kiss my perky lil behind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishima decides an identity crisis is better than sleeping (welcome to the club, buddio) and gets some new nightmare fuel about his classmates 
> 
> Yeehaw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you’re having a good day, if not, just read the chapter and use it as escapism I dunno 🤷  
> Anyways enjoy Tsukishima’s identity crisis  
> Have fun friends

Daichi led the team to their room, where they would be sleeping for the week. They were all going to be sleeping on the floor, and by the looks of the room, pretty close to each other. “Tsukki, let’s sleep over here!” Yamaguchi grabbed his wrist and led him to two spaces next to the window. Tsukishima’s heart skipped a beat, realizing he would be sleeping so close to Yamaguchi for the rest of the week.  _ Something must be wrong with me,  _ he thought, unrolling his bed mat.  _ Or I could be dehydrated _ . He decided that was the cause. He just needed some more water, then he’d feel fine.    
  


But his feelings were starting to become too much to explain away with simple logic. At dinner, his brain betrayed him again by thinking of how cute Yamaguchi was. He couldn’t sleep that night because Yamaguchi was so distracting. This was starting to get on Tsukishima’s nerves. He took a deep breath, sitting up from his bed and slowly tiptoeing around the sleeping team. Well, not all of them were sleeping, Hinata and Kageyama were quietly arguing, Asahi and Noya looked like they were just staring at each other, and from the sounds coming from right next to them Tsukki decided it was pretty safe to say that Daichi and Suga were making out. Those two had been nonstop ever since they came out to the group. Slowly, Tsukishima pulled open the door and stepped out of the room. He shut the door and snuck outside, to sit on a bench and collect his thoughts.  _ Mission successful.  _ He thought as he sat down. Clear air and silence always made for good thought collecting. He took a couple deep breaths before metaphorically diving inside.  _ So, let’s see. We’ve called him cute twice, we’ve said that we wanted to be with him forever, and our heart skipped a beat at the thought of sleeping so closely to him.  _ Inner Tsukishima read off papers on a clipboard.  _ Let’s see… we’ve also denied these thoughts and have been scatterbrained, as well as often being distracted by him.  _ Tsukki had to take another deep breath hearing all the evidence against him pile up. Inner Tsukki looked up from the clipboard and stated, more kindly this time;  _ I think we both know what this means.  _ Tsukishima’s head fell into his hands and he stared at the floor, trying to think again. This was so confusing. He thought he was aromantic, why was this happening? What was wrong with him? Was he just plain broken? He groaned and ran his fingers through his hair.  _ Yeah, I get that I. That I… whatever, but why? _ Maybe he should consult his phone again, it had helped him two years ago after all, even if that identity wasn’t exactly accurate anymore. Google suggested a couple of things; aesthetic attraction, platonic crush, and demiromantic. Demiromantic, only being romantically attracted to someone after making an emotional connection with them. And it had a counterpart, demisexual, only being sexually attracted to someone after making an emotional connection. Tsukki froze, reading about it, thinking. Was he demi? That would make sense, right? He had never had any kind of romantic feeling towards anyone until now, and he didn’t doubt that him and Yamaguchi were especially close, they had been best friends since elementary school.  _ I guess I’m admitting I like him now,  _ Tsukishima thought half sarcastically. Originally he was going to just see what happened and if he still felt this way after a while, but he guessed it was pretty obvious that this wasn’t just some weird fleeting thought. Tsukishima checked the time, 1:24 am.  _ I should probably get back to bed. _ He crept through the obstacle course of snoring teenagers, now quieter since Kageyama and Hinata had fallen asleep. Daichi and Suga had left, and Tsukki hoped to god he didn’t see them until breakfast tomorrow. Soon he was fast asleep, thinking about the next day.


	5. Tsukki is extra bitter today isn’t he, also relieved that he didn’t see anyone naked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got a sudden burst of inspiration to write this at 5am when my moral compass and principles are real low so here ya go. Have fun.

The next day was the first day of training. Tsukishima could already feel his muscles ache with fatigue as he watched Yamaguchi talk about something that happened last week. He wasn’t really paying attention, he was distracted by the constant chattering and occasional whoops coming from Hinata and Kageyama’s table. Suga and Daichi still hadn’t shown up, and Tsukki was getting more nervous at the prospect of walking in on his fully nude senpais when they walked in, totally clothed (thank god) and talking about something undoubtedly relating to today’s schedule. “So, anyways, Hinata told me I should just like go for it with Yachi but I’m not so sure. She’s so cute! I’m totally not on her level, there’s no way she’d be into me!” Tsukishima snapped back to reality realizing what Yamaguchi was talking about. He was into Yachi? Jesus Christ, Tsukki needed to get back in the game. So the new girl manager had caught his eye? Great.  _ It doesn’t mean anything, this could just be a fleeting crush. _ Tsukishima reassured himself, focusing back on the conversation. What did Yamaguchi like about her specifically? Was it something Tsukki had or not? Hopefully it was something easy, like blond hair. “She’s so sweet! The other day I saw her have a funeral for a bug she accidentally stepped on! And she’s so adorable when she’s nervous and her cheeks get all pink and she wobbles a little. She’s like an over caffeinated puppy!” Yamaguchi grinned staring into space. Well. There went Tsukishima’s chances. Sweet? Try bitter and salty. Adorable? Try terrifyingly tall and dangerously skinny for his age. Throwing bugs funerals? Try rolling up a newspaper and slamming the stupid insect until it was nothing but a small puddle of bug juice on the wall. Tsukki did not stop until it was absolutely obliterated. No creepy little crawler would live rent free in  _ his _ room. Yamaguchi continued, oblivious to Tsukki’s teenage angst, and went on to fondly describe the way Yachi scribbled things down really fast on her clipboard, like a meteor was going to fall out of the sky any moment and turn her into Yachi n’ Anxiety pasta sauce. 

Later that day, during a practice match in which they got absolutely fucking destroyed by the other team, Tsukki noticed two kids over by the door staring at him. Some weirdo with makeup-brush black and white hair who looked like he had just snorted two pounds of coke whilst simultaneously smoking three blunts and his friend, a much calmer black haired guy with mom reflexes of steel and a future in modeling. The coked up brush head pointed at Tsukki and said something to the model who shook his head slowly, pinching the bridge of his nose. Makeup brush continued to energetically pretend to be a giant while model watched exasperatedly, catching brush’s water bottle when he accidentally flung it behind them towards their teammates. Tsukishima watched for a bit longer, like a god watching over the puny humans flailing around below him, in a desperate attempt to get his attention. Except Tsukki was pretty sure that these two didn’t want his attention, or at least that wasn’t their intent, because when model caught him watching their theatrics he quickly grabbed brush’s arm and turned him away, pointing at the banner like  _ “quick look there so that this won’t be as awkward.”  _ Except now it was twice as awkward because Tsukki knew that they knew that he knew that this was awkward. Tsukishima looked away,  _ fine, I’ll play your little game.  _ But found in front of him Yamaguchi and Yachi laughing together, occasionally playfully pushing or poking each other.  _ Oh, gross. Now that’s just totally unnecessary.  _ Tsukki felt like a six-year-old at a wedding, except this wedding wasn’t as great because there was no food.  _ Oh god, if Yamaguchi and Yachi get married, I’ll probably be his best man.  _ Tsukishima suddenly felt nauseous and had to go to the bathroom to take a breath. But on the way there, he saw coke head and mom friend walking down the hall. 

_ This day is just  _ _ full  _ _ of fun surprises, isn’t it? _


	6. Tsukishima has some demons

Tsukki quickly slipped into the bathroom, deciding he didn’t want to speak to anyone right now, especially as he had just caught a glimpse of Yamaguchi and Yachi leaving the gym, shoulders touching. _Crap._ Tsukki stood, bent over the sink, grimacing at his shadow in the porcelain bowl. Why did he keep doing so many lame things recently? Who got sick from their friend talking to someone? He was weird. Weird and lame and uncool and destined for loneliness. Yamaguchi’s voice popped into his head, telling him how wrong he was and that he was, in reality, very cool, but that didn’t make a difference. In fact, it made him feel worse. Now he was a lying, lame, uncool weirdo because his only friend thought he was awesome when he really, really sucked. His only friend. _God I’m so stupid. You idiot. How dare you consider ruining your friendship with your stupid stupid crush nonsense. Disgusting._ Tsukishima mentally hissed at himself in the mirror, holding back tears. He wished it was actually possible to slap himself without flinching back at the last second. _Whatever, just shut up and go to the club room._ He sucked in a long, sharp breath, adjusted his glasses, held back his tears, and left the bathroom continuing to silently berate himself. The thing about these sorts of things was that once the lecture started it wouldn’t stop, and that night Tsukki would go to bed battered and bruised from his internal beatings, and probably feeling guilty for letting his anger seep out in the form of a cruel insult here and there. Tsukki half heartedly looked around for Yamaguchi, knowing that if he found him Yamaguchi would probably be talking to Yachi and getting too close to her for Tsukishima’s liking, but he still wanted to walk with him to the club room anyway.

 _Just give up, he’s probably happier with Yachi anyways._ Tsukki walked to the club room alone and all but looking forward to having to sit with his teammates for an hour while Hinata shoveled food into his face at caffeinated chipmunk speeds and Yamaguchi rambled on about how one of Yachi’s hairs would always be in her face and she had this cute habit of blowing it away. _I really don’t need to see that star-struck look in his eyes._ Tsukishima grabbed his food and sat down next to Yamaguchi, refusing to look him in the eyes. He was too tired, mentally and physically, right now to really see him. Yamaguchi obviously didn’t mind though, because he launched into talking about the earlier game as soon as he sat down.

_Well, as long as it’s not Yachi, I’m fine._


	7. A Look Into the Stars

Yamaguchi watched the shadows flit across the ceiling, conflict raging in his mind. The swirl of his feelings in his head rushed to his stomach, scrambling it and making him feel nauseous. He turned his head to his right, where Tsukishima slept, and softly groaned in frustration. The first time they had met, Yamaguchi had admired Tsukishima more than anyone else, shiny and cool, cold and unforgiving. The more he got to know him, how he loved dinosaurs; especially drawing them, how he loved strawberry shortcake but was too embarrassed to admit it, the more he found himself wanting to be around Tsukishima all the time. He would impatiently count down the days till their next sleepover or play date, and always ask him for help with his homework even though Tsukishima was a bit of a mean teacher. He was smart, popular, strong, stubborn, clever, and pretty. 

_He was perfect_. 

Yamaguchi stared at the moonlight that lit his perfect face, perfect nose, perfect eyes… He could feel himself shifting in his bed, and without thinking, he leaned over and almost kissed his best friend on the cheek. Yamaguchi caught himself and jumped back with shock, almost hitting Ennoshita sleeping on his other side. A wave of dread and guilt washed over him as he reminded himself that Tsukki was aroace. _God, fuck, I can’t believe I almost did that._ He laid back down on his sleeping mat, covering his mouth with shame. He wished the floor beneath him would crumble and break and send him down to the hot magma core of the Earth, where he would sizzle away like a drop of water on a hot pan. He remembered when Tsukki had first come out and Yamaguchi had felt part of his heart shatter, and, not knowing he had feelings for Tsukishima, had believed himself acephobic. _Am I?_ He wondered. He could feel his heart beating its way out of his chest, bellowing for freedom, screaming for liberation. 

Yamaguchi decided he didn’t want to lie down anymore, so he got up and quietly slipped out the door. _Huh, that’s weird. Daichi and Suga are gone._

He shrugged and continued off outside to a secret little corner one of the other kids, Konoha, had shown him. There was a small bench and a few decorative rocks placed by other students who frequented here. Yamaguchi sat down and watched the stars, unwavering and bright so far away from him. Just like everyone he’d ever liked. _Everyone I’ve ever…_ He remembered Yachi, and suddenly his shame for almost kissing Tsukki deepened more. Yachi was the inverse of Tsukishima, short, sweet, nervous, and timid. She made him feel good, in a different way than his friend, but not necessarily better or worse. He had never quite realized just how difficult feelings could be to distinguish from each other, which was the more powerful or which was right, who did he truly belong to? Did he belong to anyone? As Yamaguchi watched the stars, he thought of the only person who had ver been able to give him a straight answer, the only person who reminded him of the stars, shining bright and unblinking yet still so far from his grasp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry I haven’t updated in so long, I’ve been having really bad writer’s block! Anyways I hope you enjoyed this chapter, it was my first burst of inspiration in months 😅


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